“We Don’t Talk Anymore”

What It Really Feels Like to Be Lonely in Your Relationship (And How to Start Fixing It)

You know that kind of loneliness that hits hardest not when you’re alone, but when you’re sitting three feet from the person you love, and still feel miles away?

You might be lying in bed next to them, both scrolling your phones in silence. Or doing the dishes while they’re half-watching something from the couch. You text about what to grab from the grocery store. You plan the weekend. You get things done. But the emotional part—the us part—feels missing.

It didn’t start this way.

But somewhere between the stress of work, family, mental load, and missed cues… the real conversations stopped.

Maybe you’ve tried to bring something up before, but it turned into an argument.

Maybe it always feels like bad timing. Like you’re going to ruin a perfectly good evening with feelings again.

Maybe you’ve started to believe there’s just no right way to say what’s on your mind. So you stop trying.

You stop saying the thing. And slowly, they stop asking. At first, it hurts. Do they even care at all? Can’t they see something is wrong? Soon, that hurt grows into resentment.

Then…you start getting quiet too. The silence becomes safer than the risk of being misunderstood, dismissed, or ignored.

Why does this happen?

For many of us, real talk was never modeled. You might have grown up in a home where people didn’t talk about feelings. Where conflict meant yelling or shutting down. Where vulnerability wasn’t welcome. Or worse, someone got hurt.

Maybe you learned early that staying quiet kept the peace. Or that speaking up got you labeled as “too much,” “too sensitive,” or “dramatic.”

Research backs this up—our early attachment styles and emotional environment shape the way we respond to conflict as adults. When you don’t feel safe being emotionally honest as a child, it makes sense that it feels dangerous in your relationship now.

And so your nervous system goes into protection mode.

Fight. Flight. Freeze. Fawn.

You might snap and get defensive, because fighting feels safer than feeling powerless.

You might shut down or go quiet—because it’s safer to say nothing than risk saying the wrong thing.

You might over-explain, apologize, or walk on eggshells—because people-pleasing feels like control.

You might physically leave the room or mentally check out—because flight feels like relief.

It’s not that you’re broken. It’s that your body learned how to survive. And now, even in a safe relationship, those patterns can keep you disconnected.

But surviving isn’t the same as connecting. And if you’re both stuck in survival mode, no one’s reaching for each other anymore.

Let’s Talk About That Silence.

That silence feels like being emotionally ghosted by someone who still sleeps beside you.

And listen—sometimes that silence feels worse than yelling ever did. At least yelling means someone cares enough to fight. But silence? Silence leaves you guessing. Wondering. Blaming yourself.

Maybe you're the one who goes quiet. Not because you don’t care—but because you were taught not to rock the boat. You learned that staying calm, staying quiet, was how you kept the peace. That handling it yourself was safer than saying the thing out loud and having it blow up in your face.

Or maybe you’re the one asking, “Can we please just talk?” while your partner shuts down. And the longer the silence stretches, the more it starts to sound like rejection. Like you are the problem. Like you’re too needy. Like you’re alone in this.

If this is starting to sound all too familiar, it might mean the way you communicate—the habits you and your partner picked up just trying to survive—aren’t working anymore.

Because here’s the truth: Unhealthy communication patterns aren’t always screaming matches or toxic blame games.

Sometimes, they’re long pauses.

Long walks away.

Heavy sighs and closed doors.

Stuffing it down until your chest hurts.

Making a joke instead of telling the truth.

Saying “I’m fine” when you’re anything but.

And when these patterns go unchecked, they don’t just fizzle out on their own, they harden into distance.

But that distance? It doesn’t have to be permanent.

You can repair communication—but first, you have to name what’s happening. You have to stop treating the silence like it’s “no big deal” and start seeing it for what it really is:

A sign that something needs tending to.

So what can we do about it?

The 5% Rule: A Small Shift That Can Change Everything

When couples first start working with me, I don’t ask them to overhaul their entire relationship. I ask them to do 5% more.

Because when you’re used to shutting down, pushing through, or bracing for conflict…a little more presence goes a long way.

So, what is the 5% Rule?

It’s this:

Instead of trying to be perfect, try staying present 5% longer.

Instead of going numb or changing the subject, stay with the moment 5% more.

Instead of shutting down, stretch—just a little—toward your partner.

Not all the way. Just 5%.

Here’s what that can look like:

• You normally walk away when your partner says, “We need to talk.”
  → 5% more means pausing and saying, “Okay. I’m listening.” Even if it’s just for 60 seconds before asking for a break.

• You tend to say “I don’t know” when you do know, you’re just scared it’ll come out wrong.
  → 5% more means saying, “I’m figuring it out, but here’s what’s coming up for me.”

• You usually scroll your phone when the conversation feels tense.
  → 5% more means putting it down and making eye contact—just for a beat longer.

These aren’t grand gestures. They’re tiny shifts that signal:

I’m trying. I’m here. I want to meet you in the middle.

Why does this work?

Because when both partners feel safe enough to stay—just a little longer—something in the nervous system begins to soften.

You’re not abandoning the moment.
You’re not abandoning each other.

And over time, those 5% stretches become muscle memory.

They build trust.

They open the door to deeper conversations, softer conflict, and genuine intimacy.

So if you’ve felt stuck in silence or spirals, don’t aim for a relationship TED Talk.

Aim for 5% more.

It’s not about saying all the right things. It’s about showing up just a little longer than you used to.

That’s where reconnection begins.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If you’ve been stuck in the same communication loops—shutting down, walking on eggshells, or feeling like no matter what you say, it’s never quite right…

You’re not broken. You’re not bad at love. You’ve just never been taught how to communicate in a way that makes both people feel safe.

That’s where I come in.

I’m Ashley—a relationship communication coach for individuals and couples who want to talk with each other again, not at each other.

No worksheets. No blame. No communication “scripts” that sound like they came from a TED Talk.

Just real support. Practical tools. And space to practice saying the hard stuff with more clarity, empathy, and connection.

Ready to try something different?

✨ DM me “TALK” on Instagram

or

✨ Apply here to work with me 1:1

Let’s rebuild your connection—5% at a time.